The writer’s strike is a thing of the past (hope Oscar’s scribes aren’t as rusty as SNL’s), Jon Stewart is hosting and we’re as happy as a pig in shit. Let’s be honest, all other awards shows are a poor man’s version of the Oscars; this is where stars are made and careers are validated.

On to the Red Carpet. We can’t get away from Ryan Seacrest! Where the hell is Joan Rivers? The Gold Standard is missing. And when did Kimora Lee Simmons’ face get so puffy?

We just switched over to Barbara Walters. Good lord, she’s wearing a see through shirt and Miley Cyrus’ mother is literally a Stepford Wife. Ellen Page is kinda hot, but with Babs gazing creepily into her eyes, it’s really off-putting.

Let’s go to CNN. Oscar coverage! We mean…don’t they know it’s an election year?

Back to E! Gary Busey just tried to rape Laura Linney and Jennifer Garner. We just saw a Prius-Limo! Okay, enough hype. Hopefully, the self-righteousness is kept to a minimum–though we’re secretly hoping for some eco-plugs. Sit down, Mr. Begley, Jr. On with the show.

Bacon Bits