The film version of the Abba-musical Mamma Mia! starring Meryl Streep, Pierce Brosnan, and Colin Firth might not be able to overtake The Dark Knight at the box office (which is closing in on the $500,000,000 mark), but it’s $120,000,000+ earnings aren’t too shabby. Couple ticket sales with album sales (it’s been on iTunes top 10 sellers list since it was released—think of all the bright plastic packaging not ending up in the garbage), and you begin to understand the reason for the opening of Mamma Mia! Sing-Along Edition – money, money, money! Starting on Friday, August 19th, select theatres across the country will be showing the film with the song lyrics scrolling along the bottom of the screen so audiences can join in the fun.

While listening to the person next to you warble through “Dancing Queen” may be more nauseating than the odor of an active compost heap, truthfully, it can’t be much worse than Pierce Brosnan attempting to convey deep emotional turmoil about losing Meryl Streep by squinting his eyes. Apparently, he went to the Chad Michael Murray School of acting, because the more squinty Brosnan gets, the redder his face gets, and you can’t help but wonder if Brosnan is having intestinal problems. On the bright side, James Bonds’ steaming pile of fertilizer will make your neighbor’s compost heap seem like pure artistry in comparison.

*Pre-gaming is recommended but not necessary. Beanstockd encourages all to drink responsibly.

LD

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Selma Blair is mad that you didn’t like Hellboy 2, the sequel to 2004’s original reimagining of the popular comic book. Hellboy 2 was all freaks, with no charming little lads like John Myers for normal people to identify with. This was just monsters, guns and gooey explosions. It sounds amusing until you actually try to watch it.

The one thing it had going for it was the undeniably sexy, Selma Blair. Now we’re getting all set not to like her new show Kath & Kim, either. Kath & Kim is an American remake of an Australian Show about two dumb hot girls. Isn’t that The Simple Life?

Maybe Selma Blair should go green? We could like that hot chicks are totally going green these days. Earth First released their Top 25 Girls in Green list and The Eagles Cheerleaders even did a "green" calendar. We suspect that one might be kinda greenwashed (and we wouldn’t like that), but we’re too busy scrolling through photos of Summer Rayne Oakes to investigate. God bless ecology.

BradyDale

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Rumor has it that Debbie Phelps is in talks to collaborate with mommy-retailer Chico’s. Apparently, Debbie packed her suitcase to the brim with Chico’s clothing when she and golden Grecian god (son, Michael Phelps) journeyed to Beijing for this year’s Olympics. Chico’s website currently showcases Debbie’s fabulous styling in "The Debbie Phelps Collection." Things are looking good for the Phelps family! Michael’s already got a book deal, made millions in endorsements, and now momma’s following suit. Lemme see that gansta lean, Phelps fam!

Since Deb’s going all fashionista—and because we can’t help ourselves—we wrote her a letter selling her on the financial and ethical benefits of the eco-road. Organic wool is a big textile trend for fall, so we recommended Ardalanish, a Scottish supplier that boasts an organic farm and on-site weavers. If Debbers creates a collection that’s both sustainable and cool, we might consider giving our mother’s favorite store a chance. For real.

Sarah

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The Jonas Brothers teamed with Chevy to promote a green poster contest that ended up creating more trash than awareness. Fans of the Jonas Brothers brought posters designed to show being green as fun to a recent Chicago concert with the hopes of winning the grand prize—the opportunity to meet their beloved crooners. Unfortunately for many tweens and teens, the contest judges were overwhelmed by the turnout and ended up throwing fans’ creations into dumpsters. Nothing says ”fun and green” like waiting in line for hours only to have your artistic creation end up in a landfill for years to come. What next? Maybe the Jonas Brothers will decide to fight global warming by adding dates to their tour schedule and flying to them on a private jet.

LD

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Biden’s out of the bag (no more "C-2" for him!), but we’ve still got a few days until McCain gives up his goods. Meanwhile, we’ve got Hill and Bill speaking at the Democratic Convention this week pretending that they like Obama.

Unified fronts are rare in the world of politics. Dems and Repubs are risking a government shutdown on Oct. 1, which they’re calling "Energy Freedom Day." If the Dems try to attach the current ban on offshore drilling to spending bills (so that the ban is extended), the Repubs will oppose it–and shut down the entire government. At least the government would be conserving energy.

No unified fronts on the international scene either. President Bush is working on a deal with India that would establish a cooperative relationship in the research and development of nuclear power. Without nuclear power, India is stuck in the stone age of coal power. Too bad Congress and India can’t agree on anything.

We’d like to stone coal power, but looks like we can’t get rid of it either. Coal companies are going all out at both the Democratic and Republican National Conventions to lobby for subsidies that would promote the reduction of coal’s carbon footprint. Clean coal? The idea makes us feel all ashy.

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In an effort to boost ratings, Fox is adding a new judge no one’s heard of to American Idol.

To be fair, new judge and successful songwriter Kara DioGuardi has worked with dozens of famous artists, such as Pink and Carrie Underwood. Oh. And also Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton. Which should either make her a fantastic judge of talent or a terrible one.

But if Fox really wanted to get us watching again (we honestly stopped after people started bombing on purpose so they could get on the crazy reel) they could have an Environmental Song Week.

Or, at least, stop going so over-the-top with all those lights. We mean, c’mon, we don’t need to burn an entire coal mine so we add strobe effects to a cover of "Imagine."

MD

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Keeping up with Kim Kardashian will be even easier considering that she just injured her foot a little less than a month before her September 22nd debut on Dancing with the Stars. According to Us Magazine, Kim sustained her injury by pushing away a broken "mirrored, Venetian little desk" with her foot.

As Kim reduces her feet to shreds, 7 out of 10 Americans are reducing their carbon footprints as a reaction to the high gasoline prices. Since feet, in addition to public transit, are becoming more popular modes of transportation, Kim should be friendly to her footsies. Though Kardashian’s brilliant decision to combine bare feet and broken glass has us eagerly looking forward to this new season of DWTS and the many varieties of hijinks (and calculated sympathetic injuries) that could be in store. Maybe she’ll literally walk over some hot coals while the judges rake her over them.

LD

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Watch out Arthur Ashe Stadium, Henry Hager’s like A.C. Slater: when it comes to sports, he’s good at everythang! Okay, that’s not true, look at him…UNLESS your game is reddest face or tallest drink of water or turning dials for Big Energy—which it is! In May we told you Henry was headed for a gig with Constellation Energy. Today, we’re reading some schmuck’s paper and see that the US Open will be completely "wind powered" and wouldn’t cha know it, supplying the wind credits is…Constellation Energy! Henry’s swell. And likely very stiff and undexterous.

Bacon Bits

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A lot has been going on in Madge-land lately. For starters, she kicked off her Sticky and Sweet tour in Wales this weekend. Apparently, she also renewed her vows with Guy Ritchie. And last weekend, girlfriend turned the big 5-0! Welcome to the club of fifty and fabulous, Madonna! Samantha Jones sends her love.

Now, we’ve been big fans since we got our hands on the Erotica album way back in 1992. We loved her then, and we love her now. So get down with your bad self, Esther! We don’t care how old you are!

Things we do care about: Madge and Guy’s vow renewal, the HOT MESS pictures from the new tour, getting Madonna on the cover of Boho Magazine (a new fashion mag that’s all green, all the way). We think Madge would be a fun choice for the newly established publication, especially because we think Queen M could stand to learn a few tips from the Boho goddesses. For starters, though, we offer Madonna this list of easy green tips, all of which she can do on tour!

Sarah

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Comedy Central Presents starts taping this week and this year’s line-up—including man-crush favorite John Mulaney—is stunning.

Which is nice, because according to CNN bad jokes can result in violence towards the teller. That’s what she said! Are we right, guys? Oh no! Our favorite part:

"And jokes that fail to deliver humor are a violation of a social contract, so punishing the teller can discourage similar behavior in the future."

This means the negative reaction to a bad joke might prevent people from thinking the subject is okay. So if we wrote some bad jokes about ignoring the environmental issues, people would hate them so much, they’d actually care about the environment.

It’s probably a terrible idea, but we never do what I want to do, so here we go anyway!

How do you get a blonde to the beach? Ignore climate change and wait for the glaciers to melt until her coastal home is flooded! Oh snap!

A rabbi, a priest, and a reverend walk into a bar. It used to be a forest but, you know, we need more bars.

How many men does it take to screw in a regular light bulb? One. It’s not that hard. Oh, but then you need another replace it way too early and add to our growing trash problem. So two.

You ever notice the difference between white people and black people? White people throw out their recyclables all "I’m awkward!" But black people throw out their recyclables all "I’m confident."

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Global.
Global who?
Global Warming.
Oh. Well, you’re probably not real.
But I’m at your front door.
Whatever, bro.

Knowing the Internet, someone will definitely take these jokes at face value. So sad.

MD

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