Filed under: Beanstockd
This week, I read The Color Purple—for the first time, like, ever. Ughhh. Frankly, I’m a little disappointed. I’d been preparing for a cozy day in with my mug of hot sake and purple crayons, but apparently, this? Is not a coloring book. Whuck the fat? How misleading. Well, consider yourselves warned—all three of you who are reading this column right now: Me, Myself, and Irene. This is the last time I purchase anything with Oprah’s face on it. Sorry, Ellen. *Maybe* I’ll reconsider when, in another two weeks, Ellen invites Oprah to make a joint appearance on the cover of Elle.
News Update: Elle-en does NOT, in fact, own Elle magazine. Fat the whuck. My life is just full of rude awakenings.
Speaking of female icons, David Letterman shotgun wedded Regina Lasko last week. Quel surprise. I did not know, for instance, that I cared. And yet, ”I do.” As it turns out, I’ve been rootin’ for these crazy kids since 1832, when (after a six-year man-rriage) Dave finally dumped Steve Martin for the sexier (I presume) Lasko. From what I hear—and I have reliable, top-secret sources that will back me up, such as your mother—they were to become the Brangelina of the 19th century. (For a while in the (18)80s, Dave thought they were on a break but they WEREN’T, screamed Regina.)
In any case, I do get around to finishing the book which, despite a lack of drawings, was nonetheless poignant and educational. There was [Spoiler! Alert!] some talk in the book of barbecues and meat, which just made me hungry for death, apparently. But, I’d long since given up red meat to halt the agricultural hazard of raising Bessie. So, to quiet my craving for cow, I elegantly nibbled on some Cheetos and called it a day.
I lie. I INHALED ALL THESE SLIM JIMS. [Runs away in shame.]
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