Citizen Beanstockd (10.8.09): FBI Thought Anna Nicole Smith Hired a Hitman; Toxic Avenger is Our Cup of Tea

Anna Nicole Smith has been dead for two years, but she’s still haunting us with her posthumous tales of greed, drugs and deceit…and what red-blooded American doesn’t love those things? The latest involves an alleged plot to murder her late tycoon husband’s son (who is also dead). If you recall, Anna Nicole was married to a guy older than Moses named J. Howard Marshall II. He was an oil man who I picture being the Brandon “Greasy Bear” Davis of his day, the roaring 20’s. When he died, a battle over his estate ensued and Anna Nicole, ever the opportunist, sought to remove any obstacle that would prevent her from getting her hands on J. Howard’s estimated $1.6 billon estate. The main obstacle was Marshall’s son E. Pierce Marshall. The FBI kept tabs on Anna Nicole at the time and it has now been revealed that there was a plot to hire a hitman to remove E. Pierce from the picture. How Tonya Harding! Smith’s involvement with such a plot was never substantiated, so she avoided prosecution. Also, for the rest of this post I’m changing my handle to B. Brucington Bits of the Beanstockd Bits.

Post-Bennifer, it seemed like Jennifer Lopez’s life became dropping babies and quickie weddings to Skeletors, but now she’s determined to let us all know she’s got a little roast left in her rump. In her new single entitled “Fresh Out the Oven,” J-Lo evokes the term “bun in the oven” which was uttered by the great Grease antagonist and alpha Pink Lady, Betty Rizzo. What’s more, J-Lo is jumping on the alter ego train—her other self is named “Lola.” I’d make a joke about all this, but do I really need to?

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It’s funny how the things you enjoy as a child can often be prophetic and return to your life in karmic ways when you’re a “grown-up.” Sorry to get all introspective and bohemian on you, but last week I had the pleasure of revisiting a childhood classic that helped make me the litter loathing Beanie I am today: The Toxic Avenger. This time, though, I wasn’t up past my bedtime watching USA UP All Night; I was on the west side of Manhattan watching an Off-Broadway musical.

The show is set in a polluted New Jersey town and centers around a concerned poindexter named Melvin Ferd the Third. Melvin, portrayed brilliantly by Nick Cordero, discovers a cover-up between the mayor and a corporation that shamelessly pollutes his hometown of Tromaville. When the mayor learns of Melvin’s crusade, she deploys a pair of school yard bullies to put a stop to it. The bullies accost Melvin and throw him in a barrel of toxic sludge which only facilitates the comeuppance they will soon receive. Still alive, Melvin emerges from the green goo with his body mutated but with his heart of gold still intact. He also has super-human strength. You can probably figure out where the story goes from there.

Keenly self-aware, the show is an endless string of gags and jokes that make the 90 minutes fly by. With only five actors, including American Idol season three runner-up Diana DeGarmo, the supporting actors each play a handful of different characters which only adds to the tongue in cheek nature of the show. Rhonda Shear would be proud.

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