Citizen Beanstockd (1.21.10): With Conan O’Brien Out, Why Is Jay Leno Happier About John Edwards The Baby Daddy?

It’s official, Conan O’Brien is out as host of The Tonight Show after NBC executed a buyout clause in his contract that will pay the late night veteran $32.5 million to disappear from television until September 1st. Negotiations went well into the night and were finalized early this morning when NBC agreed to offer a higher severance to Conan’s staff. Friday’s episode will be Conan’s last. Tom Hanks, Will Ferrell and Neil Young are scheduled to appear.

This means that Jay Leno must be as happy as a Beanie at a banquet now that he has his old job back and John Edwards is stealing all his vitriol. Oh you didn’t know? That’s right, philandering John Edwards, the former Senator from North Carolina and Democratic Presidential candidate, finally came clean today about impregnating a social climbing hanger-on named Rielle Hunter while his wife of 32 years was battling cancer. The admission was prompted by a new tell-all book written by the man Edwards tried to pin the baby on in the first place, former staffer Andrew Young. It was also announced that Edwards, who has been in El Salvador doing charity work, has now separated from his wife Elizabeth.

Sweet mother of pearl, I haven’t seen a fall from grace quite like that since yesterday when the first photos of Tiger Woods were published since Elin took a pitching wedge to his face. Cloaked in a hoodie and baseball cap, Woods is seen walking around a sex addiction clinic in Hattiesburg, MS called Gentle Path…which sounds like it should be less of a sex rehab center and more of a generic brand of K-Y jelly.

Which is pretty much what Martha Coakley should be loading up on. Not for her girly bits, but for her asinine Senate campaign which went dark just weeks before Tuesday’s election because she thought defeating the winner of Cosmopolitan Magazine's 1982 "America's Sexiest Man" contest and Republican State Senator Scott Brown would be a cake walk. While Coakley’s campaign took a relaxing little holiday vacay, Brown was out stumping and surged out to an insurmountable lead. Now, the late Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat is in the hands of the GOP meaning significant health care reform is in real jeopardy.

Brown now joins a Senate minority that includes a woman who has the potential to steal all of Sarah Palin’s thunder because she actually holds an office. Republican Senator Lisa Murkowski of Alaska is one of those global warming skeptics that doesn’t so much care about whether or not human beings cause climate change, she just really, really hates hippies—the imaginary, hemp-wearing, patchouli-smelling kind that sheltered conservatives think dominate the Northeast and West Coast. Think Richard Nixon with a vagina. Today, she introduced a bill that would cut the balls off the EPA and roll back the Clean Air Act. Teddy Roosevelt, a Republican and fervent environmentalist, just rolled over in his grave.

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