Poor little LiLo, if only she had taken our post-rehab advice! As voracious Beanstockd minions can attest, we advised—demanded!—that she listen to us, because as much as we adore drunken, drug-fueled debauchery, we prefer it with a tiny carbon footprint and without the po-po.

If Lindsay had not been behind the wheel of that eight-cylinder Mercedes while mixing straight Cuervo and blow, and instead had heeded our recommendations and drove a Prius while mixing organic 4 Copas Tequila with locally farmed nose candy, she probably wouldn’t have been such a hot mess. You see, the dashboard on a Prius is way smaller than the one on a Mercedes, so her lines would have been much shorter, and disaster could have been averted. It’s like putting a bulimic girl in the bathroom with a cake—you know what’s going to happen, so why would you put her in the bathroom?

Sucks for LiLo, but we still love her. Her punishment: a few non-cancerous melanomas.

Bacon Bits