Filed under: Beanstockd
This week, I basked in the naked glory of Peter, Paul and Mary. (I speak Biblically, too.) In the comfort of my very own parents’ car, I karaoke-d “If I Had Been Hammered,” “Poof the Magic Dragqueen,” and other classic favorites only to realize, nine Pee Pee & Em tracks later, that I was unmarried. 
But, I am by no means single. No, ma’am. Journal entry dating back to today:
“Dear Diary and Random House Publishing, I dreamed a dream of Mel Gibson. Do you think he’ll leave his wife for me, or for that bitch Oksana? OMG, I hope it’s me. Miss California says divorce is between a man’s legs. I’m, like, always there! P.S. Remind Mel to take Provenge.”
Now, don’t judge a journal by its entries. It’s massively publishable, especially if Barnes & Noble packages it as a two-for-one deal with the torture memos Prezzy Obama may release. Lord knows you’ll need some light reading after following my play-by-play sex diary, especially entries made during my Zac Efron phase. (Oh, to be fifty-three again!) On a rousing note, it’s okay to be unmarried. Susan Boyle ain’t hitched, and she’s awesome. Oprah is single, and she’s Ohhhhh-prah. Lindsay Lohan, also, is definitely alone.
So I’m by myself in the car of my dreams, still singing. As sung by me, folk music of the sixties invokes a bittersweet longing for lost innocence and for peace in times of turbulence. For this reason, I am inspired by my own voice to become a born-again herbivore and regrow my meat virginity. (That’s what Shih said.) First on the menu are these adorable vegan shoes, though (obviously) I won’t be satiated on lettuce Crocs alone. Enter vegan hemp pants.
Also this week, I told my sister she was adopted and we only paid two rupees for her, which was apparently a steal.
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