Citizen Beanstockd (2.4.10): Autopsy Results Arrive In Mysterious Deaths of Brittany Murphy & Casey Johnson

Happy Thursday, Kids! Allow me to morph into Emily Post for a moment because, unfortunately, Meanderthals have returned to our great city. In 2002, The New York Times wrote a piece about pedestrian etiquette and then in 2006 New York Magazine expanded on that idea with its Urban Etiquette Handbook. Apparently, these efforts didn’t work because this morning as I employed the eco-friendliest form of human transport, I was trapped on a narrow sidewalk by slow-walkers and cell phone-talkers. Don’t even get me started on oversized baby carriages. I was raised to believe that owning anything that could be described as ‘double-wide’ is a faster way to lose face than getting a ‘B’ in math. Anyway, my advice for uninitiated plodders: If you find yourself feeling like an obstacle on the Aggro Crag from the Nickelodeon game show GUTS, then you’re moving slower than molasses.

The autopsy results are in for Brittany Murphy and Casey Johnson. The Los Angeles County coroner announced today that neither death was the result of foul play. Murphy’s death was due to a combination of pneumonia, an iron deficiency, and "multiple drug intoxication,” which was also cited in the deaths of Heath Ledger and DJ AM. The coroner’s office indicated that no illegal drugs were involved in the actress’ death. In the case of Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson, it may have been a lack of medication that caused her to die of diabetic ketoacidosis, a condition that arises when diabetes goes untreated. Tila Tequila can now exhale.

Finally, are you guys excited for the Super Bowl this Sunday? I am insofar as it’s another reason to get drunk and shout at the TV. I know what you guys are thinking; what will the spread be like at the Beanstockd Super Bowl Party? Well, if there is to be any eating at all, the food will be entirely organic and purchased using a Whole Foods “groupon.” On the menu will be all-natural favorites like: dehydrated swiss chard chips, stewed wheat germ, and the crowd pleasing Beanstockd party staple, The Clotheshorse’s homemade gorp.

As far as caring about whether the Saints or Colts win, football season ended for me when my New York Football Giants were trounced by the Minnesota Vikings on January 3. But because I can’t not pick a side in anything, I will choose a team. As a good friend of mine, who can best be described as a reformed Republican (he’s a much more reasonable Libertarian now), told me, it would be un-American of me if I didn’t root for a certain team. That team? Who dat? Who dat? Who dat say dey gonna beat dem Saints? My prediction: Fleur-De-Lis 31, Baby Beasts of Burden 17.

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