Since we all know they tried to make her go to rehab, and she said no no no, it should be no surprise that rumors Amy Winehouse had finally checked in for treatment are false. She did, however, check into a hospital, check out, and check in again. (Sung to the tune of our favorite Sound of Music ditty) How do you solve a problem like Amy Winehouse? How do catch a crack hoe and pin her down?

JK, Amy. We love you. We’re glad to hear that you’re “covering [your] body in nicotine patches” and that you’ve been learning to play the drums. We only wonder if they make crack patches, and if your arms are strong enough to lift a drumstick, let alone bring it back down on a snare.

We’re happy that you’ve decided to start wearing clothes over your bra (a big step!). Next time you travel, we’d recommend you protect said clothes in Jennifer Bennett’s Jendarling eco-friendly garment bags. We know you can afford the steep price tag ($120-$270), because despite your addictions, you make mad dolla bills. You might as well spend them on something green (drugs don’t count).

Sarah

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Lily Allen’s been looking a hot mess lately. Back in the day, Lily’s hit song “Smile” had both us and Allen grinning as we sang along, but now it seems like all Lily’s been singing is “no, no, no.” Friends have been trying to convince Lil to try a stint in rehab (you know, since it’s worked so well for other famous peeps like Lilo, Kiki and Wino), but she keeps insisting she’s fine.

Apparently, she’s planning a move to LA, which she thinks will help her clear her head. Lil, you know we love you, but LA to clear the head? Are you nuts? It’s the second most polluted city in the US, and we all know Hollywood doesn’t exactly go hand in hand with happiness. Unless Lil plans to commute to the recording studio via bicycle (the lowest carbon option for traveling!) or snag a Prius (since Toyota ’s increasing production by 70% this year!), we’d like to suggest Lily stay in London town (and maybe go to rehab).

Sarah

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Hope you had a nice Labor Day guys and gals! Most of the news was political and scandalous over the long weekend…

First, let’s check in with our meal ticket. Amy Winehouse has cancelled yet another performance, due to health issues, this time in Paris, only two hours before her scheduled appearance. The people in charge are planning to sue.

The greenest Democratic Convention ever ended last week in Denver. Vehicles were fueled with the ethanol by-product of Coors beer, and delegates from each state were asked to offset their carbon footprint from their travel to the convention. Also, delegates noshed on food from biodegradable, corn-based containers, instead of Styrofoam.

Meanwhile, the Republicans have scaled back their convention celebrations in St. Paul, due to Hurricane Gustav approaching New Orleans. Smells like karma. At least they’ll have a smaller carbon footprint!

Republican candidate, John McCain announced his running-mate, freshman Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin. Unfortunately, Palin won’t do much to bolster McCain’s green image. As governor, Palin supports oil-drilling  in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, and is against putting polar bears on the endangered species list because they live in oil-rich areas.

As a mom, Palin’s teenage daughter is preggers, but the real scandal is that liberal bloggers believe it’s the teen’s second pregnancy—the first resulting in a boy with Down Syndrome that the Governor claims is hers!

Diddy is pissed at McCain’s choice, because he says there are no black people in Alaska. BUT, Maryline Blackburn, a black woman beat out Palin in the 1984 Miss Alaska pageant. Of course Diddy is also upset that gas prices are too high for him to fuel his private jet. Sounds like he should appreciate Palin’s pro-oil stance.

Previews of Daniel Radcliffe’s Broadway debut in the play "Equus" start Friday. We’re sure that many people would love to see Harry’s little Potter.

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The always-outspoken Kathy Griffin recently confessed to being “off the junk, as I call it, for five years." The D-list star isn’t talking about any Amy-Winehouse-esque escapades. She’s referring to her plastic surgery habit that she kicked to the curb despite Hollywood’s constant pressure to look young and beautiful. Griffin’s newfound self-confidence should keep her healthier (putting poisons under your skin never seems like a bright idea) and using cruelty-free beauty products that are 100% plant-based (not petroleum based), like Max Green Alchemy, does a little to wean us off our oil dependency.

Griffin’s resolution to avoid becoming a human Barbie doll isn’t shared by many aging actresses, just check out the trailer for The Women.

LD

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Crackpot-on-heels Amy Winehouse has given us something else to try not to think about. During a recent prison visit, the singer pulled down her top, pressed her breasts against the glass divide, and gyrated suggestively for husband Blake (incarcerated!) Fielder-Civil. One witness told The Sun, “It was not a pleasant sight. Amy seemed completely out of it.”

This news comes on the heels of reports of the crackpot’s nether-region exposure, punching fans in the face, and public efforts by neighbors to get her kicked out of her apartment. Not to mention that powdery white stuff up her nose.

Sweet Jesus. That glass isn’t doing such a great job of protecting our prisoners. Shoulda checked with The Green Glass Company, which repurposes old wine bottles that may have “failed quality control and are destined to be crushed” into new and unconventional glassware.

Brilliant Idea: round up the booze bottles from Amy’s place; keep her neighbors happy. Convert them into dishwasher-safe barriers; keep prisons safe from Amy. Finally, take the biggest ol’ sub-par used wine bottle of all, and “repurpose” her into something you’d actually put your mouth on.

Sharon Margolis

Coke’s a lie! Okay, yes, it suppresses your appetite, and yes, Pete Doherty is pretty cracked up, but it’s mean to the environment, even though hippies used to snort it and talk about their eco-friendliness at the same time. Over the past 20 years, growing and chemically processing those little bags of powder has destroyed almost 6 million acres of South American rainforest and polluted just as much water. That’s a little more than the actual number of species of insects, plants and animals in the region, which has more biodiversity than just about everywhere else combined. The Colombian government has launched a photo exhibition of the smoking effects of cocaine across Europe, but marijuana and meth are just as guilty.

IK

It’s not a surprise that Alton Brown, Food Network’s (better) version of Bill Nye, can be found among the ranks of eco-friendly cooking connoisseurs. Alton’s impeccable detail to the ratio of grams of flour to sugar in his recipes can only convert into impeccable care for the environment. Now the two will be combined, as his show starts to focus on how crops are grown and how animals are raised, making for some seriously good eats. There’s no reason why we can’t care for the chicken before it ends up in a KFC bucket, says Alton, who keeps 25 of these birds at his television studio. He lectures at aquariums (while diving) about the pointlessness of "unitasking" and the "pointness" of making sustainable choices. Listen to science.

IK

Hey Beanies,

I hope your Earth Day was as green for you as it was for me.

With Amy Winehouse, it’s hard to tell if she can sink any lower, then she acts a fool and we realize that there is no bottom for her. On Wednesday, the singer went to a pub to play pool and ended up punching a man in the lip and head butting another whose only fault was trying to hail her a cab. Maybe she had too much coke, diet or otherwise? She later showed up to her voluntary police questioning high. Wino also happens to be worth $20 million, making her the 10th richest musician under 30. Go figure.

A month too long to wait for the greatest movie ever made? Catch up with Samantha Jones, aka Kim Cattrall in her latest interview with The Advocate. Homegirl sets the record straight about her beef with Sex and the City’s powers-that-be.

Oh no she didn’t! Miley Cyrus pulls a Vanessa Hudgens! Kind of. Billy Ray’s daughter follows in her Disney sister’s nudie footsteps, albeit in a much classier, non-cameraphone way. A shot of her clad in nothing but a bed sheet by Annie Leibovitz will appear in the June issue of Vanity Fair. The red-blooded American uproar was loud, but it probably won’t do much to hurt the star’s image. After all, Hudgy Bear got to keep her job. Disney loves chastity, but not as much as money.

Finally, since everyday is Earth Day around here, how will the food crisis affect going green? Ethanol has always been presented as a viable alternative to gas, but with food hard to find, using corn to run cars while people are starving doesn’t look good—it’s enormous carbon footprint notwithstanding. Many leaders, including Texas governor Rick Perry, think the US should start rolling back its ethanol policies.

MTV was at least four years late to the vip/bottle service party. The Grammys gave us spicy ENTERTAINMENT served with a side of elegance.

Where do we start? So many unbelievable performances—Alicia Keys, Beyonce & Tina Turner, Cirque du Soleil, Rhapsody in Blue. Who invited Kid Rock? Michael Jackson was a no show…but so was Britney. Prince was there and rocked a tuxedo shirt with a collar that couldn’t be any bigger. Aretha Franklin’s spaghetti strap had to be made of steel cable. And Kanye made them cut the music!

Oh right, they gave out awards. Amy Winehouse. When she won Best Record for Rehab, we got to see the inner-workings of her schizoid brain. She shouted out her hubby (’My Blake incarcerated!’), but she let the world know she’s still got it. Then again, we love anyone who can make funny faces the centerpiece of a great performance.

It was nice to see the Grammys go green by partnering with the Natural Resources Defense Council, but what we want to know is: Has Madison Avenue been reading Beanstockd? We sure saw a lot of familiar green spins. T-Mobile made a blubber powered engine joke and Monster.com completely stole our idea of using muscle bound freaks to power turbines. Oh well, at least someone appreciates our help.

Bacon Bits